My dear Abbie, I can’t believe you’re 4. Your birthday was 6 days ago. Merely a month ago, I didn’t know if you would be able to walk or play on your birthday.
I have a lot weighing on my heart and I feel the need to write it down, if only for myself. Being a mom is hard. Just every day… it’s hard. Being a mom to a sick child, and not knowing what is wrong, is somehow a million times harder. I still don’t know how I (mostly) kept it together. They had me carry you across the hospital for your MRI, and you had to wear a mask. So I followed the nurse and carried you… my eyes were blurry but I saw the pity in the eyes of everyone I passed. I remember wondering if I was strong enough, and thinking that I hadn’t eaten all day. Then I sat with you while we waited. I was scared. You were scared. I sang to you and wondered if I was emotionally strong enough. “I love you so and I want you to know that I’ll always be right here. And I love to sing sweet songs to you, because you are so dear.” The worst part was seeing you sedated before your MRI and again before your LP. You were just so small. So vulnerable. I had to leave you there and it felt impossible.
I thought of all the times I had longed for 30 seconds of quiet and I wondered if I would ever hear your sweet voice again. The guilt overcame me. It came in waves and crushed my chest and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I thought of all the times I wished you would sit still for a single moment and I wondered if you would ever take a single step again. I thought of all the times I wished you would just Go. To. Sleep. Already. And I watched you sleep the days away in a hospital bed and I longed for you to just BE awake. It was like I was watching a shell of you and I didn’t know if you would ever come back to me.
I was scared of answers, because there were a lot of scary possibilities. I was even more scared of not getting any answers. I still have questions, but not the medical kind. I wonder if I will ever be the same. I feel wounded still. I feel this bandage over my heart and the damage is still raw underneath. I look at you sometimes and I know you feel the same. I love you to the moon and back and I hope that one day soon we both feel peace again.
A group of amazing photographers and I have joined together to document motherhood through our eyes every month. Please follow the circle around and visit Julie with Jewels Photography next <3